Today I woke up at five a.m. feeling refreshed, contented, and perky. I remained in bed for a moment going over what I wanted to do with my day. And then I calmly decided to pull the scale out of the closet and weigh myself for the first time since the middle of January. As some of you may recall, I shoved my scale into my closet after letting the number get me all upset and emotionally worked up one morning. I tried to find the post where I mentioned all of that, and was completely unsuccessful. One of these days I'd like to really to go back and clean up some of my blog post labeling. My labels are so all over the place! *The post was written on the seventeenth, but I kept it private. No wonder I couldn't find the dang thing.
Anyway, I'm not sure why the issue of using or not using the scale keeps coming up. I want to be free of the anxiety that the scale causes me, but I also want to be able to weigh myself without having negative feelings tied in to the act. I don't want to to be obsessed with the number, but I do want to track my progress and watch the number go down. Double sigh.
I will happily admit to this though, I really and truly have enjoyed taking a scale break for the last few weeks. I savored the freedom of not feeling the need to step on the scale each morning and "punish" myself if I was not doing "well enough." Yeah, it has only been a few weeks, but a lot has happened in those weeks. I took a break from tracking everything, and tried to focus on living better in general and practicing good self care. Something paid off, because on the seventeenth of January I weighed four pounds more than I do now. Knowing this makes me feel good, but I also know that I need to stay focused and keep making small changes in my day to day life. The scale is going back in the closet for now, and maybe I'll check in again in a few weeks.
I am still building myself up, shedding away layers of old wounds, and trying to give myself ample space and time to heal and move forward. My progress can't truly be tracked with numbers, so I'm not sure why the numbers are still so important to me. But they are!!! I shouldn't pretend that I have passed that point, because I haven't. I am trying to accept myself where I am at today, and every day. I accept that I have made progress this year, and I accept that I still have an interesting journey ahead. There will be stones in the road, and I'm going to tumble every now and then.
Other than these morning thoughts I am seriously wondering what my day job is going to be. Norwex is a fun side hustle, but I am not making full time pay yet. Will I at some point down the road? I'm not sure. I wonder if my energy is too scattered, and that is why I haven't found a weekday job yet? Will etsy work better for me once I am settled down and have moved beyond this place? Am I meant to teach, or finish school, or take metaphysical healing clients? Am I meant to do things other than write and create art? There has to be something paying the bills, right?
I am experiencing these common "me" thoughts, but today there isn't as much anxiety about them. It is ok. Where I am at is just fine and things are going to work out. I am trying to let go so that I can unfold instead of unravel.